Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Who do you spend your time with?

Hello, friends!

How's your Wednesday going? I'm happy to be halfway through the week that Pat comes home! He's my favorite human to spend time with :)

Which is a GREAT transition to today's post. My blogging bff Tamara is hosting a thought provoking link up for the next forever -- 30 topics in 30 weeks, inspired by these two articles about things to do for yourself and things to stop doing to yourself. Because I know everything Tam does is awesome, I decided to participate.

Lehmann Laughter

And today's topic is based on the first two pieces of advice:

Stop spending time with the wrong people and start spending time with the right people.

This topic is actually quite timely for me, as I am trying to sort through some friend feelings right now. And feelings are the worst.

Over the years, I've had a few friendships that aren't so great for a little while. One of us does something to hurt the other's feelings, or one of us drops off the face of the earth for a long time. Sometimes I'm the bad guy in these scenarios, and sometimes I'm not. But, mostly, we've always gone back. There has almost always been a final push to say, hey, you're really important to me, and I want you in my life. And then we've rebuilt a healthier relationship.

So currently, I'm struggling with a friend. And it has been probably about two years of not-great friendship. But recently I took some steps to repair it. (based on the logic that someday, I'm going to get married, and I always pictured this person at my wedding. maybe dramatic, but it pushed me to pick up the phone.)

Already, though, I'm feeling anxious about this relationship. You know that cheesy saying, don't make someone a priority when you're only an option to them? I have always kind of rolled my eyes at that one, but it's pertinent to this situation, I think. I have felt like an option for so long. A back up plan. I don't want to just be an option anymore. Because that's not how I operate, and it hurts when someone treats me like that.

So how do you know when to cut the cord? When to wash your hands of someone and move on?

The inspiration article says, "Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth."

I hate the idea of giving up on someone. I love people, and I still love this friend. But trying to force a relationship when it makes me feel crappy and anxious? I don't want that either.

What do you do when both the relationship and the idea of giving up make you feel bad?

I don't really know where I'm going with this. This whole post is probably vague and obnoxious. But I guess I'm curious --

Have you all ever had a friend who made your heart hurt, but you couldn't let them go, either? What did you do?


Shauna said...

Yup. My oldest friend, my "best friend", although we haven't been real friends like that in years. She's been a toxic frienemy type friend almost since day 1, but since we're such old friends (and have had lots of great times over the years!) and are part of a bigger group of friends from junior high, I've always had trouble removing myself from her. But I've been trying really hard the last few months! I think you just have to listen to your gut about how this person makes you feel and how they effect your emotional and mental state!

Genna said...

This. All of this. I'm having some serious friendship feelings right now and this hit the nail on the head! I don't really have any advice seeing as I'm going through the same thing, but I'm here for you if you wanna talk <3

Kate said...

I have one of my "best" friends who isn't always the best. It's not so much that she's toxic, but it's more of a... she's an only child and acts like one. (Which isn't against other only children! She just fits the stereotype!) It's so frustrating, but it's not something worthy of ending a friendship. But recently... things got even worse, and it's just like.. arlkgjalrjglajrng. Ya know?

I completely agree with Shauna though! Sometimes, you just have to go with your gut on things like this.
I will also add this: I also hate giving up on people, but is that really what you're doing in this situation? It's not as if you are giving up on him/her, you're just acknowledging that it's not working. Just because that friendship doesn't work does NOT mean you're giving up. (in my opinion, at least.) It just means you want to focus on the things that make you better.

I guess my point is.. if you feel that this person will continue to bring you down, maybe you should just quietly move on. If this person truly values the friendship, let her work for it a little.

Ink Stained Page said...

I have been going through this as well and it comes down to this for me: why am I killing myself to be friends with someone so that I can have an anxious/crummy time? I also feel like I can't be totally open and honest around said person so...what is the point? In my situation, Ive decided to put self-care first. I feel bad for their feelings (because I can be a people pleaser to an extent, mostly due to upbringing) but I'm trying to exercise my "selfish" muscle. Because sometimes you need to!

Tamara said...

I can totally relate to all of this (and everyone else who commented! Who knew so many of us had such big friendship issues?!)

I have a "friend" who I recently reconnected with because she was going through a really rough time and I was genuinely concerned for her safety. We started getting closer and then she uses our conversation to intentionally hurt her ex, who is friends with my husband and I was just appalled.

I mean, she intentionally hurt someone she once loved and she used me to do it, I've really been struggling with and her - this is not hte first time, so I had to cut her off. And I really hate it, because I like her. I just don't like her actions. And that's confusing. And so are friendships. I think in the long run when I look back in say, 10 years, I'll be grateful for sticking to my guns but for now, it just sucks.

So maybe look at it like that - do you think this person can add substance to your life when you look back in 10 years or will it just be 10 more years of crap? Will you be okay with that?

Laura Darling said...

I know exactly what you mean. I had a friend like that in college and after YEARS of painful conversations and hurt feelings, we just drifted apart. I always pictured her at my wedding too, so it was really sad at first. But now that I'm three years removed from the situation, I can see it was for the best. Good luck!

Amanda Arr said...

Reading your blog from Tam's link up. I'm in the same boat as everyone else it seems. It's something I haven't really dealt with, either, and I'm not quite sure how to, without have a full out confrontation. Ugh, I hate confrontation.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...