Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Sometimes I'm anxious

A lot of my family has issues with anxiety. Lately it's been hitting me more than ever. (Maybe has to do with Pat being gone + busy work life + busy school life + bad dentist visits + job searching? MAYbe?) Here's what it looks like for me.

Sometimes when I'm anxious...
I procrastinate. I fall into an internet wormhole and don't look back until I'm so deep I can't see the sun anymore. I waste much of my day on websites that don't mean anything to me and things that don't matter and then panic when I have not done the Things That Need To Be Done.

Sometimes when I'm anxious...
I eat because I know it will make me feel better, even if later it will make me feel worse.

Sometimes when I'm anxious...
I just try to tackle one thing. ONE THING that I'm anxious about. Whether it's done well or not (and usually, in this situation, I think it's not...), it's DONE and I can be done being anxious about it. Unless...

Sometimes when I'm anxious...
I worry about all the what ifs. What if I didn't get that part just right? What if they hate it? What if they read it wrong? What if they can tell I have SO MUCH ANXIETY about this and know I procrastinated 50 years before sending that email? What if they're pissed it took me so long? What if they send an angry email back?

Sometimes when I'm anxious...
it feels dizzying, exhausting, and I get sick to my stomach.

Sometimes when I'm anxious...
the room gets warmer and I can't breathe and I end up thinking I might have a panic attack, and once I think that, I'm practically guaranteed to have a panic attack so I rush outside or to the bathroom and try to breathe deeper, breathe slower, convince myself that breathing is easy and normal and I can do it.

Sometimes when I'm anxious...
I can pinpoint a source of that anxiety, know what's happening and why and just get it over with so that I can feel better.

Sometimes when I'm anxious...
I don't know what's making me anxious. There might not be a "why." It's just a big ball of dread in my stomach that I can't stop.

............................................................................................

I think the biggest misconception about anxiety is that there's a cause you can pinpoint, one thing that you can do and get it over with and then the anxiety will go away. Honestly, that's the kind of anxiety I hope for when I start feeling anxious, because if it is that, I can fix it. But sometimes, you think it's that and then you send that email or have that conversation and you realize, nope, that wasn't it, and you're left looking for the cause still.

But I'm not sure there always is a cause. I think sometimes it's just everything. I get overstimulated and need to retreat. And maybe my anxiety is my overstimulation, maybe it's when I've had TOO MUCH and need to get away. But I can't always do that. That's life. So I'm learning to deal.

Do any of you suffer from anxiety? How do you deal?


9 comments:

Katie said...

Ya know the "Keep Calm and Carry on"? Have you seen the one that says "I can't keep calm because I have anxiety"? haha!

I suffer from it too, my friend. It's the worst. Hopefully you feel better soon.

Genna said...

It's the worst! It's been strangling me lately and I HATE it. I deal mostly by sitting really still, shutting the world out and closing my eyes and just breathing deeply. Sometimes I have to tell myself I'm okay, but it usually works.

Kate said...

I love how honest and open you were in this post. I definitely get anxious about certain things, but I would never say I suffer from anxiety. Thinking about calling people, especially to make or reschedule an appointment, make me want to throw up.

I've always wondered what it would be like to have a panic attack. I obviously hope I NEVER have one, but I've had several friends who are prone to panic attacks. I feel so helpless because I don't know how or if I can help. I just feel clueless!

Cassy said...

Thank you for sharing this, Abbey! I have experienced anxiety and identify with most of your points. It's not an easy thing to deal with at all. I really feel for you. Unfortunately I don't have much advice to offer, other than better days are coming. I hope things ease up for you soon.

Amy said...

yes, yes, and yes.
big ol' high five girl for posting this and sharing your heart in such a beautiful way.
anxiety sucks.
and it isn't as "easy" to get over as people believe.
i struggle with it - daily. i've been to counseling off and on and even have meds if i ever get a bad enough "attack".
<3 you're not alone here.
i've found that, for myself, deep breathing, meditation type exercises help to keep me balanced and bring some of that edge down.

The Girl who Loved to Write said...

Me and you both, girl. Sometimes the best thing to do is decide to just keep going.

Shauna said...

Oh gosh yes! This last year I've grown incredibly more anxious than I ever was before. The fact that there's not one reason almost makes you more anxious!

Tamara said...

I definitely get anxious about things, but I don't suffer from anxiety. Most of the time I can pinpoint the reason (usually my fault for procrastinating and getting sucked into internet wormhole) and so once I commit and finish something, I feel much better and whatever anxiety I felt just kind of goes away. (Until I do it again).

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