Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Happiness and fear

When Pat left for Oregon for the summer a few weeks ago, I remember texting a friend and asking, "What if he doesn't come back?"

She reassured me that of course he was coming back. He loves me!

While I can't say that was a bad thing to hear, it wasn't exactly the fear that was haunting me.

See, I am really, really excited to move in with Pat in August. Like. Want-to-make-every-home-decor-craft-on-Pinterest-and-buy-him-a-welcome-home-cake excited. I just know I'm going to be so happy.

But what if it never happens? What if he doesn't make it back? What if I don't make it to August? What if something, anything, gets in the way of us being together again?

I know this post sounds like I'm overthinking things, like I'm irrational or maybe just a very anxious person. And I probably am overthinking it. But I think this is actually a feeling more people than just me experience.

I've found two quotes that explain what I'm feeling... or what I was feeling that day. The first is from Sisterhood Everlasting by Ann Brasheres:

"Carmen was a terrible one for bargaining with God. She knew it was wrong, but she found herself doing it anyway. When she was nine, the night before she was flying to Orlando for a holiday weekend in Disney World with Lena's family, she flopped around in her bed for hous, so excited she couldn't stand it. As the hours passed, excitement grew so big it transformed into terror that she would die before morning. Her desire turned monstrous, and she was suddenly sure it would swallow the happiest day of her life. She begged God to please just keep her alive through tomorrow, please, and then he could do whatever he wanted with her."

And the second, from The Kite Runner by Khaled Houseini:

She said, 'I'm so afraid.' And I said, 'why?' and she said, 'Because I'm so profoundly happy, Dr. Rasul. Happiness like this is frightening.' I asked her why and she said, 'They only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something from you.”

Have any of you ever been so excited about something you feared it just wouldn't happen?


Cassy said...

I think that's a really natural reaction. And yes, I have experienced these feelings. But when it comes to love that's meant to be, my personal experience is that it will work out :)

I know this is really cheesy and some people hate hearing it, but I'm a firm believer that whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

Lin said...

Oh my gosh, I've felt like this WAY too many times. You're just excited, that's a good thing :)

riana. said...

No...I haven't sorry, but I get waaay overly excited. (its a little annoying sometimes because I'm like super excited and no one else is)

riana. said...
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Kate said...

Oh, please. I have felt like that so many times, it's ridiculous!
Everything will work out like it's should. And I don't see how he could ever change his mind about you!

And I finally read "The Kite Runner" and the quote you used stuck with me SO much. I love that you used it!

Amy said...

Many MANY women (especially) feel this way in regards to relationships.
Let each day unfold has it does and try not to worry so much for the future days.
I always wanted to slap someone when they said that to me.
The truth is, it won't be easy or always feel "worth it" but it are, and he is. :)
<3 you're not alone.

Sarah Von said...

Giiiirl, I hear you. On some level, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Who I am to have everything I want, you know?

Sarah Von said...

Giiiirl, I hear you. On some level, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Who I am to have everything I want, you know?

KSCoffeeGirl said...

That happens to me all the time these days. I am so happy with my relationship and I know I'll always be happy but I get scared everytime I go away that something will happen to one of us and we'll never experience that next step. And just because of that quote I want to read The Kite Runner!

Laura said...

I just found your blog and I'm loving it. This particular blogpost left me no choice, but to speak along. This feeling. Oh, boy, how I know it!

Then again I'm always trying to tell myself, that I can't build up relationships/friendships/carreer goals/anything on the eternal questions of "what if?" or "imagine if...". So far I think I've managed it quite good.. even though every now and then I get a dream about me and my significant other still being together and happy... at the age of 70. But don't tell him, he thinks I'm normal! :p

+ The Kite runner quote is so beautiful. I've wanted to read the book for ages, but haven't got to it, yet. Some day I will!


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