Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Happiness and fear
She reassured me that of course he was coming back. He loves me!
While I can't say that was a bad thing to hear, it wasn't exactly the fear that was haunting me.
See, I am really, really excited to move in with Pat in August. Like. Want-to-make-every-home-decor-craft-on-Pinterest-and-buy-him-a-welcome-home-cake excited. I just know I'm going to be so happy.
But what if it never happens? What if he doesn't make it back? What if I don't make it to August? What if something, anything, gets in the way of us being together again?
I know this post sounds like I'm overthinking things, like I'm irrational or maybe just a very anxious person. And I probably am overthinking it. But I think this is actually a feeling more people than just me experience.
I've found two quotes that explain what I'm feeling... or what I was feeling that day. The first is from Sisterhood Everlasting by Ann Brasheres:
"Carmen was a terrible one for bargaining with God. She knew it was wrong, but she found herself doing it anyway. When she was nine, the night before she was flying to Orlando for a holiday weekend in Disney World with Lena's family, she flopped around in her bed for hous, so excited she couldn't stand it. As the hours passed, excitement grew so big it transformed into terror that she would die before morning. Her desire turned monstrous, and she was suddenly sure it would swallow the happiest day of her life. She begged God to please just keep her alive through tomorrow, please, and then he could do whatever he wanted with her."
And the second, from The Kite Runner by Khaled Houseini:
“She said, 'I'm so afraid.' And I said, 'why?' and she said, 'Because I'm so profoundly happy, Dr. Rasul. Happiness like this is frightening.' I asked her why and she said, 'They only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something from you.”
Have any of you ever been so excited about something you feared it just wouldn't happen?